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Cap’n Jack = MVP

Posted by Neil Paine on April 1, 2010

On the streets of Anytown, U.S.A., people are always asking me, who's the MVP? Well, some folks will tell you that the Most Valuable Player of the 2009-10 NBA season should be LeBron James or Kevin Durant. And there are even some people clinging to the so-2006 notion that Kobe Bryant has been the league's most indispensable player.

But those people are wrong. The real MVP of the 2010 campaign is obviously Stephen Jackson.

Just consider the other MVP "candidates": LeBron's Cavs could easily be a .500 team without him in the lineup snapping their imaginary photos. Ditto the Thunder, whose young talent has so many analysts fawning that I'm sure they could out-free throw an aging Celtics team even without their waiflike superstar getting every call. And don't even get me started on the Lakers, who still resemble the '96 Bulls at their peak even without Bryant in the mix.

But the Bobcats without Jackson? Unthinkable. He's the face of that franchise, a rock that has been there for the good times -- but not the bad times, because he's so great that he would never allow bad times to occur.

Consider Charlotte's predicament before Jackson was acquired in a trade for the well-regarded, All-Star-caliber veterans Raja Bell and Vladimir Radmanovic: their winning percentage was 33%, the fans were giving up hope, Larry Brown was about to leave for a recently-vacated D-League gig, and the team was considering inserting part-time executive/full-time golfer Michael Jordan into the lineup just to teach the young players on the team how to be ungracious when speaking publicly. Simply put, the Bobcats were a disaster.

Enter Captain Jack.

First and foremost, Stephen brought an immeasurable level of class and professionalism to the 'Cats, just like he did in previous stops like Indiana and Golden State. His hunger and leadership skills are unquestioned, and the previously-unfocused Bobcats gravitated to him immediately because of his unparalleled drive to excel. He taught them how to win with toughness, grit, and intangibles like his 21.5 PPG scoring average, in addition to single-handedly causing Gerald Wallace to believe in hope again, leading to the forward's first All-Star selection.

The results on the court have been undeniable. Compared to the Bobcats' 2004-05 season, the winning percentage of the Jackson-led 2010 team has gone up 33 points, and the Cats are on the verge of securing their first winning season -- and first playoff berth -- ever. None of this would have been possible without the steady hand of Captain Jack guiding the team, the front office, the fans, and the janitor who cleans the toilets at Time Warner Cable Arena. Plus you probably didn't know this, but for every point of Jackson's scoring average, 6,100 endangered whales are cured of cancer. Top that, "chosen one".

Now, some slanderous pundits have decried Jackson's low shooting percentages and would like to classify him as a "chucker", but those probable Al-Queda supporters don't love the game like Stephen Jackson does, and therefore couldn't possibly understand the true importance of what he brings to this Charlotte club day in and day out. Stephen told me personally in a dream that efficiency rates are irrelevant to him and should be to you too, unless you want to be a pocket-protector-wearing nerd who hates America. The bottom line is that Jackson is a true winner, from his championship with San Antonio to his rebuilding of the Hawks into the contender you see today, his heroism in single-handedly breaking up the brawl at the Palace in 2004, and the special role he played in the Warriors' 1975 championship season. Besides, you can't measure something like wins and losses with numbers, and you shouldn't even try.

Oh, and did I mention that Stephen's a great humanitarian and courageous fighter for justice? Case in point: remember that time he fired shots at a nightclub? The biased media ended up putting their "spin" on things, but truth-knowers know that Jax was actually protecting the dancers from a zombie attack (because everyone knows mushy stripper brains are the tastiest).

In short, Jackson has the heart of a real champion, LeBron & Durant don't (as evidenced their their zero career rings), and Kobe scowls a lot and therefore is a bad teammate/human being. So if you're voting for just one MVP this season, don't pick a chump. Pick Stephen Jackson, the greatest American hero I can think of. You won't be sorry.

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28 Responses to “Cap’n Jack = MVP”

  1. RobertAugustdeMeijer Says:

    As a supporter of Al-Queda, Stephen Jackson has always been a thorn in my side. For the love of tofu, do not vote him for MVP!

  2. Tom Pestak Says:

    Greatest. Post. Ever. Comma. Neil. Exclamation. Point.

  3. dlh1231 Says:

    Stephen Jackson is not the face of the franchise, that's Gerald Wallace. I've been a huge Bobcats fan from the start, and Gerald is our best player, but Stephen Jackson was the last piece of the puzzle to make the Bobcats a playoff team.

  4. Brank_Manderbeak Says:

    Dlh1231: do take a look at the calendar =)

  5. Ricardo Says:

    Wow, I had somehow forgotten that the Cap'n and Tru Warier were on the same team together. As an aficionado of train wrecks, I so wish they had kept that duo intact.

  6. Anon Says:

    "In short, Jackson has the heart of a real champion, LeBron & Durant don't (as evidenced their their zero career rings), and Kobe scowls a lot and therefore is a bad teammate/human being."

    Whoa now, you're dissing the "Kobe scowl", Neil? I thought EVERYONE in the media loves that!

  7. Jason J Says:

    You forgot to mention how Jackson single-handedly defeated the 60+ win Mavs in the playoffs, which is more impressive than any championship his alleged ex-teammates, the Spurs may have won that same season. They didn't even beat the best team in the league! S-Jax did! M-V-P! M-V-P!

  8. Neil Paine Says:

    I did, I can't believe I forgot the way Jax slayed the German Dragon in '07. In fact, is it like the heavyweight boxing belt? Since he beat the MVP, doesn't that make him the MVP? So maybe I'm actually advocating Jackson's 2nd career MVP...

  9. AHL Says:

    empty quoting post 2.

  10. dlh1231 Says:

    Ah. April Fool's. Well, you can't really blame me for falling for that, it was 6:30 in the morning.

  11. Sean Says:

    Neil,

    ITA with your nomination of Stephen Jackson for MVP... however, I must say that your preoccupation with his team winning games is curious. Honestly, who CARES if the team wins lots of games? It wouldn't matter to ME if they were 0-82, because---as you know---Jackson's VOTASPEMITA (value over three arbitrarily selected pizza eating midgets in the arena)is the highest in league history. As a matter of fact, Jackson scores the highest on the BGE (best guy ever)Index, all-time. He was compared to every human and hybrid mammal specimen since the Big Bang--------and he's a better *thing/guy/gal* than anyone doing anything, ever.

    Now the VOTASPEMITA and the BGE Index are my creations... and they have random thingys multiplied by coefficients that I selected with 108 sixteen-sided pairs of dice (which I'm not even sure what those were as it was dark because I needed my mommy to think I was sleeping)..... but I'd bet my pocket protector/ AKA 'plastic badge of self-credited superiority' on these metrics ;)

  12. Max Lewis Says:

    as far as satire goes, i think this is pretty weak.. if youre going to post a fake mvp go all the way. how about rafer alston? tracy mcgrady? DJ mbenja? jackson is the key to the bobcats playoff birth, so id say hes a top 15 mvp candidate..

  13. Sherman Says:

    I agree that Kobe-less and LeBron-less Laker and Cav teams, respectively, would be decent teams, but they would be nowhere NEAR Title Contention. And the Thunder? No way they're .500 without Durant. He's leading that youthful group to the Playoffs.

    That said, ex-Cap'n Jack deserves a look because--even though Bobcats would probably be in the hunt for the 8th Seed (as they were last season) without Jackson--they have solidified a Playoff berth WITH him, and they look poised to give a the 2nd Seed a really tough time in the 1st Round.

    All that said, Durant deserves the Award. He won't get it, and it'll go to LeBron, but Durant deserves it.

  14. Sean Says:

    Sherman says:
    All that said, Durant deserves the Award. He won't get it, and it'll go to LeBron, but Durant deserves it.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    I am favoring Durant at this point myself.

  15. Jason J Says:

    Sean - VOTASPEMITA relies too heavily on the total amount of pizza eaten by random midgets, which has been proven to provide diminishing returns as the TV exposure of the midgets increases. Stephen Jackson's two-toned mouth guard displays his courage and accountability, the real key to his MVPability. That's just logic.

  16. sean Says:

    Thank God this was April fools... I just poked in my Cheerios. To be fair he's underrated, but he was such a loser, quitter in Golden State this season.

  17. Sean Says:

    Jason J Says:
    April 2nd, 2010 at 5:20 am
    Sean - VOTASPEMITA relies too heavily on the total amount of pizza eaten by random midgets, which has been proven to provide diminishing returns as the TV exposure of the midgets increases. Stephen Jackson's two-toned mouth guard displays his courage and accountability, the real key to his MVPability. That's just logic.
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Oh... OK, Jason... now I 'spose yer gonna try to devalue his BOOB Quotient Rating (Bad On the court Onion Breath)------which as we know is direct catalyst for increase team verticals.

  18. Jason J Says:

    Sean - I could never disparage BOOB.

  19. Travis Says:

    Sean,

    Brilliant! It's about time someone poked a little fun at some of the ridiculously complex, calculus-based, Eisteinian statistical measurements that certain crazy websites employ to represent a player's skill/worth/ranking/whatever (which sites are those again? can't seem to remember...). We're not only supposed to believe that these formulas correlate to real-world performance, but, um, understand them.

    That being said, I think it's obvious that VOTASPEMITA and BGE should be incorporated into basketballreference's common statistical ratings at the very least, and probably be accepted as standard ratings next to points/rebs/assts on NBA.com. The random thingys multiplied by coefficients selected with 108 sixteen-sided pairs of dice alone make these some of the most credible statistical figures that I've seen proposed... ever.

    Only thing I might have a small contention with in these otherwise well thought out formulas is the name - for the sake of respect to our smaller brethren, lets go with VOTASPELPITA over VOTASPEMITA. "Pizza eating midgets" will never be accepted by the mainstream media, and I think you should go all the way with this thing, obviously. But "pizza eating little people"? Now yr in.

  20. Neil Paine Says:

    Was that the first time "Einsteinian" has ever been used as an insult?

  21. Daniel Says:

    [...] his heroism in single-handedly breaking up the brawl at the Palace in 2004 [...]

    I gave off a literal LOL here. Very nicely done, sir.

  22. Alvaro Says:

    Best article I ever read! 3 thumbs up!

  23. P Middy Says:

    His most impressive stat? Two.

    He can hold two lit cigarettes at once in the gap in his front teeth.

  24. Sean Says:

    Travis Says:

    Only thing I might have a small contention with in these otherwise well thought out formulas is the name - for the sake of respect to our smaller brethren, lets go with VOTASPELPITA over VOTASPEMITA. "Pizza eating midgets" will never be accepted by the mainstream media, and I think you should go all the way with this thing, obviously. But "pizza eating little people"? Now yr in.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    For the sake of political correctness---it is now VOTASPELPITA.
    However, I refuse to change the name of my metric for calculating what % of each carom any player is responsible for. See, every successfully rebounded ball has many things being done by many players to ensure it's security. It's not just about the guy who 'grabs' the rebound. Who made sure the ball GOT TO to the guy credited with 100% of the rebound? There are SOOOO many contributing factors that go untallied. I call the metric: F.A.R.T., which is Fractional Arbitrary Rebound Totals. You have horrendous breath and therefore you clear out the lane---and someone else gets the rebound? You get 7.6% of that rebound added to your F.A.R.T. for the game. You smell and no one wants to touch you and everyone walks to half court to escape? 13.2%. Important stuff like that. It's a known fact that Laimbeer and Salley never bathed. Yet RODMAN gets credited with the rebounds. Look in history at all the great rebounders---and behind the scenes there was a guy/ guys who stunk or said 'pull my finger' alot. Bill Russell's rebounds? Tommy Heinson was the stinkiest guy on the planet. Wilt? Gail Goodrich said 'pull my finger' like 1,000 times a game. Watch the tapes----you'll see.

  25. Sean Says:

    Neil Paine Says:

    Was that the first time "Einsteinian" has ever been used as an insult?
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Sometimes even the most (assumed to be) brilliant among us.... is just full of hot air. All these formulas and theories... See Stephen Hawking. Guy is one of the most respected minds in the world------and after 30 years of pontificating about black holes, he changes his mind on how the universe was created. So for 30 years, it turns out that all he was doing was babbling nonsense. That's IF you believe the (possibly) horseapple pile he's shoveling NOW. Maybe he just doesn't know and never will. Maybe he's just a dope with a good imagination like the rest of us. How quickly should the average Joe get in line to hear what Stephen Hawking has to say next? All this time, instead of being wrong about the universe (or so HE thinks)-----he could have been DOING something REAL, like inventing a portable electric grill named after him. Did I just say that George Foreman is smarter than Stephen Hawking? ;D

  26. Neil Paine Says:

    Looks like someone needs to brush up on their Popper...

  27. Sean Says:

    Neil Paine Says:
    April 8th, 2010 at 3:21 pm
    Looks like someone needs to brush up on their Popper...
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Ahhh... the fabulous Karl 'hot air' Popper! He of the superrific 'find a swan that isn't white' to falsify the claim that all swans are white (rather than show people all the white swans there are).... or something painfully simple like that.

    I remember as a 9th grader, pals and I would look through my older sister's high school yearbook and point out all of the babes we'd 'get friendly with'. One guy, Bobby, pretty much said 'yeah' to everyone----and we called him on it. He said 'not EVERYONE'.... so we told him to just point out the ones he WOULDN'T 'be with' and save us some time. VERRRY 'Popperian' of us at age 13, hmmm? We're all still waiting to be knighted like Karl was..... ;D Karl WAS knighted, wasn't he? =)

  28. Lynne Says:

    Sensible stuff. I even believe all of it except this post